One of the things that bugs me so much in life, is when I see someone making mistakes in their life, mistakes that affect other people, and not just any mistakes, but the mistakes I have made myself.
I see someone making a mistake in their relationship that I have made in mine, in the past, & I want to grab them, take them through the years of my life that I struggled with the consequences of that mistake, & show them. Show them the ramifications of those mistakes, not just how they affected me, but those around me, those that were once close to me, & how even now, those that are close to me now, are still having to deal with the consequences of MY actions. Yes I have been healed, yes those mistakes have been redeemed, but at what cost? Who paid for that pain & anguish? Myself, those I hurt in relationship, those I didn’t think about because I was concerned about me?
Not every choice someone makes that is like the one someone else made, is a mistake, but if it is surrounded by the same type of circumstances, same selfish reasons, same heart wounds, then doesn’t it stand to reason that it is highly possible there will be a similar wake of pain & destruction in the rear-view mirror? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, and I believe that too include being done by different people. If I see someone do something stupid and suffer a dire consequence, why then do I do the same thing? Because, “It won’t happen to me!” That is an insane mentality.
People say that we should “follow our hearts,” or that we all “deserve to be happy.” That’s crap! Plain & simple. Our hearts deceive us more than we are willing to admit. Just look at people we know in our lives, and you will see how so many people jump from relationship to relationship, Loving each time. Was that love, or infatuation, or a quick fix for loneliness? Did you really love them, did they love you? If so, why didn’t things work out? Don’t give me the tired old, “Sometimes things just don’t,” because that too, is crap. Relationships fall apart because one if not both of the people involved, become selfish. It’s not an easy read many times, as it doesn’t always involve an affair, or abuse, many times this selfishness comes in the form of withholding love, neglecting to try, putting what we desire, over the desires, needs, wants, of the other. Selfishness can be as simple as not loving ourselves enough to love the other.
What is love? Don’t say “Baby don’t hurt me,” though it is true. Love is very much that, not hurting the other. Now it is not at the expense of oneself to the point that you are abused or taken advantage of, but again, that isn’t always the case. Many times this hurting looks simply like choosing to sleep instead of talk; choosing to work a bit later & skip dinner; choosing to do what makes you feel good in the moment, over what will grow love in you both, for the long term.
I have not been the best husband, I have not been the best father, I have not been the best son, I have not been the best brother, I have not been the best friend, I have not been the best of many things which revolved around other people, many times I have not been the best me for me, because I never saw myself worthy. I couldn’t even be selfless enough to allow me to be who I needed to be, because I wasn’t who I thought I wanted to be! Is that ridiculous or what? Because of this selfishness, I have lost friends, family, relationships, trust, myself….more than once or twice, but that is all in the past.
I tell you this so that you will not make these mistakes, so you will learn from my pain, to avoid your own; so that you will learn from my struggles, so you won’t have them for yourself; so that you will be able to gain wisdom, without the loss that went with it for me. I see your heart, buried deep within where you yourself even see it, & I weep for it. I long for the people of this world to no longer put themselves before others, but that the struggle would be a playful one of who gets to be the selfless one first. This all starts with the two most important relationships we have, the one with our Lord, & the one with our spouse. If we cannot daily die to ourselves, daily give up our desires & passions, for those of the other, if we cannot say with truth & honesty, that we are not greater than the other, and we desire to love & serve the other, then we will lose that relationship. We will toss it away, we will be in a place of loneliness we never fathomed, one we put ourselves, which we cannot escape, because we refuse to.
I have lost love, thrown it away, flushed it down the toilet, not even realizing it, so I beg you, I plead on bent knees, love YOU, love the one that created you, love, love, love. Don’t let your instant infatuation, your desire to be wanted or accepted, don’t let your “needs” to be the deciding factor for who you give your heart to.
Please, please, please…please look at my mistakes as something you won’t do, decisions you won’t make. I long for you to have a life that is without the pain caused by a misled emotion, and this is why I share with you my pain, my struggle, my bad, bad decisions, so that you will choose the other way, you will choose the other ones.
As I said, I am healed, I am not beholden to the mistakes I made, even though I may have to walk out the consequences of them, but I have been healed and I am on the way to complete restoration & redemption. How great would it be for you, to have a shorter road than I? One that doesn’t have the pitfalls, the potholes, the thorny bushes grasping at you reminding you of what you have done? How great WILL it be for you to have a simple road without regrets, without pain, without destruction? You will have struggles, but you don’t have to have ones that last forever. It is a struggle to wake up after staying up late, it is a struggle to do laundry, it is a struggle to love those who are mean to you, it is a struggle to overcome a common cold, let these be your struggles, struggles that come regardless of the choices you make, let those struggles be the ones you face. Choose wisdom, choose, love, and those struggles I just mentioned, may be the only ones to face you.
I am simply writing what is on my heart, as it was initially geared mostly for my children, but I believe God has given me words pouring from my heart, for others as well…only the Holy Spirit knows who.
So I pray these words poured from my soul, from my heart, from deep within me, impact your heart, and let you know that it’s never too late to turn and travel the road of restoration. As long as you have breath to breathe, you have a life to lead.